Rom-coms—you can’t live through them, and I nothing know about you, but I personally would certainly not desire to conceive of a human being without them. Currently that social distancing is keeping plenty of of united state inside because that the foreseeable future, they have gone from “fun Sunday-night distraction” to “manna native heaven.”

When self-isolation started, ns couldn’t stomach anything an ext lovey-dovey 보다 Nora Ephron’s Julie & Julia, greatly out of fear that ns would never ever again obtain to a) leave my home or b) engage in a romantic relationship. Now, though, i’m starved enough of agency to be all set for scripted love. Bring on the backlit kisses and engagement rings covert in Champagne flutes!

On that note, now we’re diving in come recapture the magic that 2009’s He’s just Not That into You, i beg your pardon is currently streaming ~ above Netflix. I’ve watched this movie before, yet never as a totally formed adult. Let’s watch what kind of scrapes this incredibly homogenous team of youngsters gets into, shall we?


The opening sequence of this movie, in i m sorry a little girl is shoved and also teased by a boy her age who supposedly has a crush on her, is having actually a very different effect on me 보다 it did once I was 15; now, I’m resolving to raise mine future daughter in a protective bubble wherein nobody can access or bother her in any way, shape, or form.

You are watching: He’s really not that into you


*

Next, we’re treated to a series of vignettes around how every women, everywhere, native sorority dwellings to kitchens to army barracks come remote town huts, room bonded in your desire to rationalize the habits of males who suck. It’s an intelligence-insulting interlude, and also I would like to be also harsher around this message, yet unfortunately, the fundamental premise the this movie—the fact that sometimes “he’s just not that into you”—kind of hold up, also if that heteronormative frame doesn’t. If someone no calling, texting, or questioning to check out you (pre-quarantine days, the is), castle are most likely not worth her time! i can’t deny the my team of mostly queer friends go our same share that “maybe they’re no calling you because they’re ” rationalization.

We’re automatically introduced to the perky and perennially single Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin), who on a date with a forgettable actual estate bro named Conor (Kevin Connolly), who is plainly Just not That into Gigi, because he’s Actually into his friend, free-spirited aspiring singer Anna (Scarlett Johansson), who’s Actually into Ben (Bradley Cooper), who miserably married come Janine (Jennifer Connelly), who’s friends v Beth (Jennifer Aniston), who’s dating Neil (Ben Affleck), that won’t propose. Phew. Also, Gigi is entirely Just Friends with cute, sardonic regional bar owner Alex (Justin Long), and Drew Barrymore is just sort of around, for part reason? Okay, that’s everyone.

I just want to suggest out the Scarlett Johansson and also Bradley Cooper’s meet-cute happens once he lets her walk ahead of that in line at the grocery store store. When my porous adolescent brain absorbed this movie over a te ago, ns was persuaded that if ns just discovered a means to look prefer Scarlett Johansson, men would also give me cutsies and then autumn in love with me. (Update: i’m pretty certain this no a thing.) They acquire to talking, and Bradley Cooper provides to aid her with her music career, i beg your pardon is a—if not the—definitive red flag.



This movie’s fatal cons is uniting a cast of incredibly charming people and not sufficient onscreen time. That said, i’m hooked.

One the Jennifer Aniston’s main plot points in this film is gift upset the her tiny sister obtained engaged before her, a staple of romantic comedy insecurity that i personally can’t understand. Once my finest friend the 12 years got involved last week, my instant reaction was no “I’m walk to die alone,” however “Wow, i can’t wait to obtain life-alteringly drunk in ~ the wedding.”

Ginnifer Goodwin pipeline Justin long a rambling voicemail and blathers on around how there are no sex roles anymore, dropping a transphobic hoax in the procedure and reminding us just how much humor has actually (not) yes, really changed.

Now we’re in ~ the bar Justin lengthy owns, with Busy Philipps make a cameo together a flirty server! (Fun fact: Philipps’s husband, Marc Silverstein, cowrote this movie.) Ginnifer Goodwin reflects up to fake-return a fake pen to Kevin Connolly—who isn’t even there, but happens to it is in Justin Long’s friend (apparently, everyone in this movie knows one another)—and Ginnifer and Justin argue around whether she the exemption to the “a man will seek you if he is interested” rule. (Sidenote: remember bars? This one look at a little fratty, but I’d still give anything to be sitting in a corner booth, sucking down a weak $14 gin and also tonic and observing the lost art of heterosexual flirting.)

Drew Barrymore appearance! the not important that you understand her character’s name, due to the fact that she is ineffably and also unalterably drew Barrymore in all her scenes. In this one, she’s getting pedicures through Scarlett Johansson (another fiction the womanhood: I have never in mine life acquired a pedicure v a woman friend).

Real quote from Jennifer Aniston to Ben Affleck: “I need you to stop being nice to me unless you’re going come marry me after.” They obtain in a fight and also break up. Meanwhile, Jennifer Connelly is life a lie through Bradley Cooper, who lying come her about a) smoking and b) being in love v Scarlett Johansson. (Honestly, the previous is worse, in mine opinion. She dad died of lung cancer; he knows exactly how much she no smoking!)



I forgot the Scarlett Johansson teaches yoga in this movie. To quote Carrie Fisher in When take care of Met Sally: “Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.” Bradley Cooper attends her class, they go skinny-dipping, one thing leads come another, and I can’t even muster the power to pretend to care about this plotline.

Ginnifer Goodwin pauses a makeout to contact Justin lengthy for advice, and also he pauses a makeout come answer the phone call and help her, since they looove each other (spoiler, yet if you didn’t see this comes a mile away, this should be your an initial rom-com rodeo). Castle don’t understand that yet, though, so Ginnifer Goodwin is quiet soliciting advice: “So now I’m just claimed to operation from every male who doesn’t choose me? There’s not going to it is in anybody left.” everyone in this movie needs intensive cognitive behavior therapy!

Blaming a residential worker for something since you’re deflecting your real problems with her shitty husband? Traditionally a great look! It’s not Javier’s crew smoking, Jennifer Connelly…it’s her husband, Bradley Cooper. The man has frosted tips, for God’s sake!


*

There’s a entirety subplot where Kevin Connolly pretends come be happy to market houses, but I’m not even going to touch the one.

Scarlett Johansson and Drew Barrymore do another inauthentic woman errand together—buying shampoo—and ns can’t assist but it is in struck by how tiny this movie is trying come humanize Scarlett Johansson’s character, who is usually a super-hot home-wrecker.

Bradley Cooper speak Jennifer Connelly he’s to be cheating ~ above her and also they obtain into a massive, marriage-ending fight at house Depot, i m sorry is actually fairly sad.

Jennifer Aniston’s dad has actually a heart strike at she sister’s wedding (also sad!), and her shitty brothers-in-law refuse to aid take care of him during his recovery, underscoring among the movie’s much more subtle theses: that no marriage at every would more than likely be much better than an dissatisfied marriage. Meanwhile, Ginnifer Goodwin decides Justin long is in love with her and also “cohosts” a party through him in order to express she feelings. It doesn’t go well and, as soon as again, I uncover myself experiencing real emotions as a direct result of this movie.

See more: How Did Miley Cyrus Mom Die On Hannah Montana, On Hannah Montana, How Did Miley'S Mom Die


*

Okay, this is genuinely gross: Bradley Cooper is hooking up through Scarlett Johansson in his office as soon as Jennifer Connelly come by, therefore he forces her to hide in a closet in her underwear. This man hates women! absent him to the curb once and for all, ladies. Jennifer faces it by smashing a large mirror in her house, and also Scarlett faces it by actually giving Kevin Connolly a chance. Whatever works! (Of course, Scarlett eventually ends up as soon as again dumping Kevin to monitor her own path, i m sorry I kind of get. No violation to Kevin. Plus, he end up with drew Barrymore, so things work out quite well for him.)

Ben Affleck mirrors up and also starts quiet taking treatment of Jennifer Aniston’s dad, law laundry and putting healthy and balanced food in the fridge, i beg your pardon is specifically what she necessary to understand he’s the one she desires to it is in with, engagement ring or no. (Don’t worry! This is a romantic comedy; they still acquire engaged.) It shows up these two crazy kids are going to make it. The same can be stated of Justin Long and also Ginnifer Goodwin, after ~ he lastly humbles himself and tells her he loves her.

Well, that’s a wrap. I have laughed, i have cried, i have investigated toxic sex norms, and also all I have left to display for the is two hours of my life gone, in enhancement to what ns think will certainly be a lasting and not totally voluntary crush on Ginnifer Goodwin and also Justin lengthy as a couple. Until next time!