This post has to be updated to incorporate brand-new information around the visibility of clip of Christine Chubbuck’s suicide.

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In a bizarre coincidence, this year Sundance slate included two various movies — one documentary, the other narrative — around a grisly footnote in the background of American broadcasting: the on-air suicide of 29-year-old Florida morning-show organize Christine Chubbuck, that shot herself in the head during a live transfer in 1974. At the moment of her death, Chubbuck was no by any way a well-known newscaster, for this reason for decades afterward, her legacy — inasmuch together she had actually one — came to be defined entirely by her last act.

Chubbuck’s story gained a 2nd life in the late 1990s, with the increase of net subcultures that emphasis on gruesome, hard-to-find videos. Sites favor Ogrish and LiveLeak sprung up to company those audiences, and on them this particular day you can find clips of jihadi beheadings, brutal street murders, or the infamous public self-destruction of Pennsylvania politician R. Budd Dwyer. What friend won’t find there, however, is footage of Chubbuck’s death.

Many people have attempted to track down a video clip of Chubbuck’s last moments; every one of them, it seems, have actually come increase empty-handed. There room those who claim they’ve checked out it, but they deserve to offer no proof other than hazy memory of one era prior to streaming video. That scarcity makes it an object of fascination and also obsession because that those that learn about Chubbuck, and the release of the 2 Sundance movies is certain to just make it much more coveted. In a twisted little bit of irony, lot of Chubbuck’s prominence rests in the truth that footage of her public self-destruction has become one the the many mysterious and also sought-after pieces of movie in the world.

“It’s very much viewed as a holy Grail,” says Daniel Wilson, head of the lost Media Wiki, one encyclopedia the hard-to-find documents and also recordings. “I’m really on the fence as to whether i think the tape will ever be found.”

The specifics of what happened on the day in 1974 have actually been an ext or less established by now, much of castle outlined in an exhaustive Washington short article profile by Sally Quinn written just a few weeks after the fact. Chubbuck functioned at the news terminal WXLT-TV — channel 40 on the dial in its indigenous Sarasota — in the beforehand 1970s. She organized a present there called Suncoast Digest, which concentrated less on news and much more on neighborhood personalities and also events. According to posthumous interviews with those that knew her, she suffered from depression and often clashed v higher-ups in ~ the station because she felt they didn’t take it journalism seriously. This details room backed up by other write-ups written at the time, one E! documentary, and new research done for the Sundance documentary Kate theatre Christine.

On July 15, 1974, a few weeks before her 30th birthday, Chubbuck did a couple of minutes the Suncoast Digest prior to reading a strange statement: “In keeping with Channel 40’s plan of bringing girlfriend the latest in blood and also guts, and in life color, you are going come see one more first: check suicide.” She drew a revolver from listed below the desk, put it behind her best ear, and pulled the trigger. Her body slumped down, and the stunned technology operators faded the display screen to black. It’s estimated that only a couple of hundred civilization saw the act when it occurred.


2 depictions of Christine Chubbuck, in (left) Christine and Kate theatre Christine. Photo: Sundance film Festival

It’s feasible that to be the critical time her violent plot was ever before seen by everyone in the basic public. Home devices for recording tv was very rare in 1974, and there space no known instances of a viewer taping Suncoast Digest the fateful morning. Even the station itself seems to have actually only sometimes recorded its own programming. In Kate plays Christine there’s an interview with among her co-workers, a male named Gordon Galbraith, who claims he to be at the station as soon as the transfer happened, and that Chubbuck had asked him to document the show that day. He claims he walk so, but that points got facility immediately after ~ the early shock wore off.

“The biggest conversation was, What perform we execute with this?” Galbraith recalls in the film. “Finally, the terminal owner called and said the the lawyers — they had actually a bank of lawyers based in Washington, D.C. — they said, ‘Do not, under any circumstances, display the tape.’”

Steve Newman, WXLT’s weatherman in ~ the time, picks up the story from there in Kate dram Christine’s interview: “There is just one copy of the videotape for the last day that exists. Nobody duplicated it.” It seems to have had at least one viewer while still in the station’s headquarters: Quinn, who wrote the Post story, tells me she recalls city hall a recording at WXLT “many times” while creating her story, however doesn’t have any type of information around what occurred to the ice cream after that. The station — now dubbed WWSB — confirmed that that doesn’t have actually a copy. Newman describes that the station’s then-owner, the late Robert Nelson, maintained the tape for himself, and also that his widow, Mollie, right now has it.* “She desires to throw it in the Bay,” Newman states of Mollie. “And ns said, ‘Don’t execute that. Provide it to the Newseum or Columbia school of Journalism or something, for safekeeping.’ due to the fact that it is history, together unfortunate together the background is.”

That’s one version of the story. Another version, said in dubious accounts on Wikipedia and the lost Media Wiki, says a ice was provided to the Sarasota police at one point. However when I got to out to the Sarasota Sheriff’s Department, i was told unequivocally the they have never had actually such a ice in their possession. “I doubt you will ever before get your hands on it,” the public-affairs rep went the end of her way to add.

Then there’s the version that areas the tape in the possession the the Chubbuck family. They’re understandably secretive, however Chubbuck’s brother Greg newly spoke to People and also briefly touched on the rumors the the tape. He says that the family got an injunction to protect against the station from releasing the footage, the “authorities” seized it, that those authorities turned it over to Chubbuck’s mother; the rest, the says, is hazy. “I don’t know to now where the is,” Greg said. “But I recognize no one knows whereby it is, and no one ever will if I have actually anything to say about it.”

And then, of course, yes the story the Chubbuck-footage obsessives i ordered it to: the somehow, somewhere, at the very least one viewable copy exists. Some world even claim to have actually watched it.

“A lengthy time ago, when the web was reasonably new, ns remember see the video,” says Tracy Kelly, a san Diego writer who is fascinated by Chubbuck’s life and also death. She states she regarded it in the so late 1990s or at an early stage 2000s, probably on Ogrish. “I’ve always been interested in true crime and murders, and also I was curious to check out what she in reality did. So ns clicked ~ above it, and I deserve to remember her sitting behind the desk, through her black color hair and her black-and-white dress. Ns remember her saying the line and shooting herself. I know I experienced it.” She’s never ever been maybe to find it again.

But also morbid expect springs eternal, and also Kelly has uncovered fellow believers in ~ the unofficial headquarters the the hunt for Chubbuck’s death tape: That a site devoted to information and also media about famous deaths, native photos the the automobile crash that killed Princess Diana come Divine’s death certificate. In that is forums, over there is a truly substantial message-board thread whereby the find for movie of Chubbuck’s gunshot never ends.

The discussion began innocently sufficient — fairly speaking — on December 29, 2007, v a post from one of the site’s users, i beg your pardon are jointly known together “Death Hags.” This user, ichabodius, appears to have actually copied and pasted what looks like a short encyclopedia entry around Chubbuck. The very first reply, native a death Hag called MbalmR, kicked off the quest: “That story has always haunted me. Am ns correct the no footage of the suicide is available?”

Seven years and more than 2,600 short articles later, MbalmR’s question has actually not been conclusively reply — but not for absence of make the efforts by the death Hags. Because that the very first six months, civilization mainly just popped in to express frustration (“Pisser yes no video,” claimed cleanskull) or remark on Chubbuck’s melancholy (“Some jobs will break you if you’re in a bad way,” wrote RaRaRamona). Over there were, that course, a couple of tasteless jokes: once one Hag said, “One can only imagine wherein her mind might have been,” an additional replied, “probably almost everywhere the walls.”

But beginning in June of 2008, the investigations and also rumors obtained traction. A user named Seagorath emerged as the thread’s guiding light, saying they had heard that “a gentleman (who claimed to have been a veteran regulation enforcement officer)” that saw the Chubbuck footage on “an FBI/Law Enforcement training compilation video.” Seagorath later said they’d got to out to Steve Newman to ask because that any video clip of Chubbuck he can have — self-destruction or otherwise — but that Newman brushed the off. They argued that the Hags swimming pool funds and also locate Christine’s brothers Greg and also pay him because that information. “Can’t wait ‘til mine eyes meet hers … the footage is coming,” Seagorath wrote in 2009. “Somebody the end there to know something. To trust me.”

There room a select couple of in the thread that swear up and also down the they observed the footage at part point, either in the early on days of the World vast Web or ~ above a faces of Death–type VHS. “I rented it around 15 years earlier at among our local video clip stores,” composed DexterKitty. “You could nearly feel she eyes as soon as she looked in ~ the camera. It was nearly like she was looking straight at you, and also speaking straight to you. It to be creepy as hell.” Briefly, lock were encouraged they’d remembered that the tape was something dubbed Bizarre Deaths. However when an additional Hag dubbed Michael555 bought the tape, they report Chubbuck was i do not have anything to it is in found.

There is, that course, a slim chance that Tracy, DexterKitty, and also the rather did check out this mysterious piece of video. The underground-video network is substantial and long-running. But it’s also feasible to it is in 100 percent certain you observed something that you 100 percent did no see.

“This type of point has arisen with a the majority of other public events, particularly significant events that capture public attention,” claims Elizabeth Loftus, a professor of psychology in ~ the college of California, Irvine. She specialization in the phenomenon of so-called “crashing memories” — recollections people can have of seeing things they never saw. “People can visualize something prefer this, and also these vizualizations get understood as if they’re in reality memories. Occasionally they understand so much and it feeling so familiar that they attract an inference that they most likely saw it or might have watched it. Those visualizations can start come feel like actual recollections.” Loftus has actually researched a wide array the examples, like world thinking they experienced footage of the Princess Di crash (which was never publicly available) or of joined 93 crashing top top 9/11 (which was never ever filmed in the an initial place).

Regardless of whether these civilization actually experienced what they assumed they saw, the FindADeath subject plowed along. There space chronicles that misleading BitTorrent downloads, unfulfilled requests for the purported law-enforcement-training clip, and also fruitless searches on the so-called Deep Web. The 54-page epos is a chronicle that raised hopes (“My heart skips a win every time this thread comes up”), crushing disappointment (“I’m thinkin’ about throwing in the bloody WXLT towel”), internecine fights (“for some reason I get the emotion you don’t want this clip to be found”), and also the occasional little bit of sexual leering in ~ the dead mrs in inquiry (“I would have actually let Christine Chubbuck ride the :D ”). There are similar — though much less exhaustive — threads on Reddit, NewGrounds, AVManiacs, and also even IMDb. One expression pops up over and also over again: “Holy Grail.”

But scarcity notwithstanding, why pursuit for together a grisly grail? each searcher has his or her very own theory about the fixation.

“The reason we want to find it is since Christine would’ve wanted it to it is in seen, otherwise she wouldn’t have done that on air,” states Tracy. “I just wanna recognize what made she tick, what journey her, what was she passion, why go she suddenly decide to commit suicide on air instead of trying come get help or get rid of what she was going through? did she desire to prove a point? Or was she just at the finish of that spectrum where she had actually no hope?” Tracy’s intentions may be empathetic, but she concedes the “a lot” of her fellow Hags “want to watch it for the gore factor because they’re into gore.”

Or possibly it’s personal. “A story favor this one, human being just gain invested in it,” says death Hag Ken McWatters. “They might have a feeling of loss about her the they tie to some loss in their personal life. For this reason they feel like, if they can get some closure here, possibly it can assist them feel much better in various other ways, too.”

Not everyone who’s fascinated through Christine Chubbuck wants to view her death, though. The creators that the Chubbuck rigid movie at Sundance, Christine, never even tried to discover the footage. Playwright Michael Finke created a musical around Chubbuck in 2010 referred to as Reporting Live, and he states he gave up quickly. “I wonder if watching that is also condoning it,” that says. “I believe in what she want to say, but I very much don’t think in just how she claimed it.”

Then, that course, yes sir the strangest concern of all: If you uncovered the divine Grail, what would certainly you actually execute with it? Robert Greene, manager of Kate theatre Christine, claims he came close — he can have referred to as up Mollie Nelson if he to be shooting and asked to watch the video. But he decided not to since doing therefore would have “somewhat betrayed the spirit of the film,” which concentrates largely ~ above the massive difficulty of trying to recognize why people select to kill themselves: “The movie is about trying to fill in meaning for this thing where there’s such a hole or a vacuum of meaning, such a vacuum of information.”

Perhaps unearthing the video would not just be the end of the find for it, but likewise of the fascination it has actually inspired. “If that ever became available, civilization would just be like, Huh, that’s interesting,” claims Scott Michaels, founder of FindADeath and also of a death-site tourism firm called Dearly Departed. “It’d obtain a million hits on YouTube, however ultimately, there space no mysteries to it. The only mystery left is that the footage hasn’t been released. There’s nothing we’d discover.” that would merely confirm well-reported details that us can already imagine in disastrous clarity. The video clip would it is in a spectacle, complete of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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“You’d be like, yes sir a woman, she blows she brains out,” Michaels adds. “There that is.”

UPDATE, 6.7.16: Months after this story to be published, Mollie Nelson, widow of station owner Robert Nelson, contacted to say she late husband did, indeed, possess a ice cream of the suicide and also left it to she after his death. She states she got requests because that the tape after Newman stated as much in Kate plays Christine and, fearing for she safety, she gave the tape to “a very big law firm.” She claims she would have wanted that the tape be destroyed, yet wanted to honor Robert’s wish because that it come exist, despite she says he never explained to her why he maintained it.